August 2011
1 post
3 tags
Dear Internet at My Apartment,
I realize that I’m moving out in slightly less than a week (shit shit shit I need to pack what am I doing right now!), but it still upsets me that you are currently resisting me and faking me out every fifteen minutes or so. Because, I mean, it says that I’m connected to you (in more ways than one, you saucy minx), but you won’t load any of the pages that I open. And that makes...
April 2011
2 posts
3 tags
Dear visitors,
To some extent, I like you. Really, I do. You seem like cool kids. But when I wake up in the morning to the sounds of your squawking about the night before, I am less than pleased. Considerably.
And I’m even less pleased when, as I shuffle into the kitchen in my pajamas, you all fall conspicuously silent. I feel as if my every move is being monitored. (I just want my fucking coffee; will...
4 tags
Dear Shitty Tippers,
I know I’m not the most superior waitress in all of waitressdom. In fact, I’m probably in the bottom rung. But I have literally one other table right now, so I can afford to wait on you hand and foot and make you feel like the special little snowflakes that you are.
So why is it that when I open the checkbook you so charitably left lying in a dish of soy sauce I find that you’ve...
Dear Life,
I’ll keep this short and sweet:
Please begin to get easier sometime soon.
Heinous Bitch isn’t asking for an easy coast down a hilly lane. She’d just like something that isn’t a harrowing death ride down a narrow mountain road.
(Heinous Bitch also doesn’t know why she is suddenly speaking in the third person. Probably stress/trauma.)
Anyway, give thought to her...
February 2010
1 post
Dear Screaming Troll-Child,
Your ear-splitting cries of petulance are grating against my temporal lobe. You have been (loudly) voicing your displeasure for about fifteen minutes now, seemingly without pausing for breath. I wonder if this is a talent that is particular to you, or one that is merely particular to all screaming troll-children. (Time will tell.) And even though I have no desire to be in Wal-Mart either, I do not...
September 2009
1 post
Dear Everyone,
I fucking hate you all. Specifically the male portion of the world’s population. I hope you get an STD and your dicks fall off. I also hope that you find the perfect girl who will reach directly into your chest cavity and rip your heart out blood vessel by blood vessel and then eat it. I hope you fall down a well. I hope all your progeny are born without internal organs.
I am made of hate...
June 2009
1 post
Dear Summer,
Sorry for the prolonged hiatus. Heinous Bitch was busy kicking puppies and swearing at old people. Enjoy!
Dear Summer,
You are a season of great joy for all of us who have chosen to make their mark on the hallowed walls of academia, because you offer us sweet succor after nine-or-so months of slaving over meaningless essays and kissing the asses of teachers who could give less of a damn....
May 2009
4 posts
Dear Quite Obviously Deaf Girl Who Lives Next...
(This particular letter is brought to you by who have had this particular problem and have allowed me to interpret their struggle in my own style. Enjoy!)
I have nothing against people with a hearing disability; that said, I would be a bit more forgiving of you if you actually had one. It appears, however, that you do have some difficulty in keeping your music at a reasonable level, or even...
Dear Finals Week,
After throwing numerous wrenches into my plans for the week, you have now decided to add insult to injury by testing the limits of my sanity. On second thought, maybe this move is not merely adding insult, but adding further injury as well. Adding injury to injury. And maybe sprinkling a little more injury on top of that Massive Pile of Injury sundae.
I have come to the conclusion that you are...
Dear Hangover,
You are a cunt. No one likes you.
Sincerely,
Heinous Bitch
Dear Drunken Convenience Store Patron,
I appreciate that you are trying to make a show of solidarity in echoing my affinity for chips and salsa. Your resounding “Chips and salsa are fuckin’ awesome!” in response to my disappointment at there being no salsa available was very…er, sweet. But your penchant for invading my personal space - and thus stinking it up with your boozy odor - is somewhat disconcerting....
April 2009
4 posts
Dear All-Nighter,
As you have done a brutal and thorough tapdance on my brain, I will make my complaints brief.
You and I have become acquainted over the course of several different occasions. These occasions were usually academics-related: studying for an exam, writing that research paper that was due a week ago, finishing homework assignments that were assigned at least a good month or so past. I sought your...
Dear Impractically-Dressed Trendy Girl,
It is eighty-seven degrees outside, complete with full sunshine. You are dressed in a clunky sweater, nonexistent shorts, and a headband which sits low on your forehead and plasters your bangs to your skin. (I will forgo mentioning your cowboy boots.) The seasonal mishmash of which your ensemble is comprised makes me want to remove my brain from my head and scratch it in confusion. Why do you feel...
Dear Sassy Black Ladies Who Clean the Hall in the...
It is seven a.m., and I am waking up to the sultry sounds of your voices an hour and a half before I have to wake up to get ready for class. I really have no choice in the matter, as you are standing directly outside of my door, talking at top volume about whatever you’re talking about. I can’t discern it properly, given the huge amount of reverberation in this hallway, but I assume...
Dear Nonexistent Audience
Hello, my name is Heinous Bitch, and I’m here to complain about everything that may bother you on a daily basis.
Or at least, everything that bothers me, on a semi-regular basis.
The idea for this blog came to me in the hazy stage between waking and sleeping, and I sat up and thought to myself, “This could be really fucking fun.” The first blog entry (the first official blog...